I seem to start all of my posts with that sentence. As much time as I spend on a computer at home and at work, I never seem to remember to post. I didn't grow up with a journal and it's not that I don't enjoy writing, I just never seem to get my thoughts in order or have the ability to say what I mean without using the nitty gritty facts and literal words.
I don't want to speak in absolutes but I'm not happy. My outlook on my future is better than it was when I was unemployed but it's still not excellent. Debt, friends, boyfriends (lack thereof), body, and generally not having a direction. I also feel like my personality is missing. I don't know who I am and I'm not sure I ever did. In high school and college, I had a place, I belonged somewhere. After college, I just started to float. I have plenty of things I enjoy doing but I'm not PASSIONATE about anything. People have descriptors. When someone is introduced they say "This is _____, he/she loves ____."
My best friend Chelle is getting married. And moving back to Houston to follow her fiance/husband. Everyone always knew the former would happen eventually. The latter, not so much. I'm not sure what will happen when she leaves. She is obviously the friend I spend the most time with and I don't have too many other friends. I have quite a few acquaintances I thought were friends but I've learned that when leaving it up to the other person, we will never hang out. I don't want friends who "don't mind" if I come along when others are going out. It's a very depressing situation.
Because of this, I spend a lot of time just sitting at home. I can't just go out to a bar and meet people. SURPRISE*** I'm a shy person. If you know me, you're probably thinking, "Yeah right". But seriously. Around strangers, it's no deal. Once I meet someone or are introduced, I open up fairly quickly.
This comes from being insecure about my body. Yup, it comes down to that. Doesn't it always come down to being insecure about something about yourself? For some it's a body quirk, a strange laugh, etc. Mine is that I'm overweight. Hi, I'm Beth and I'm overweight. The first step is admission, so I'm told. The problem is that I didn't see it happening. I was always a big girl growing up but I was athletic. I play soccer. Yes, PLAY, present tense. I thought that since I was athletic, I wouldn't be able to get overweight. They all say that exercise is nearly THE most important part about not being heavy. I see other people who are heavy and just assume that they are lazy and don't get off their asses. My bad. It can come from a slew of other things.
They also say Portion Control. Now, I've been attentive to my portions but I'm still not losing weight. I'm maintaining and that's just as bad in my opinion. I'm stuck. = frustration and depression.
When you are younger, you have a life plan. For girls, it's a "I will marry my college sweetheart by age 25, start having children by age 30" etc. That's how mine started. The former hasn't happened so the latter is looking bleak. I am the only single person in the group of friends that I have. Honestly. = frustration and depression.
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